Are You Talking Dirty To Yourself? Me too
Why clean communication with Self matters...in almost all scenarios ;P
The only person who can truly destroy my peace is me…why would I do that?
I'm writing at the dog park because we simply MUST be outside. And I'm thinking about how perfect a day it can be, and how I can still ruin it for myself sometimes with my own inner narrator!
Ya'll probably know my coaching process, the Whole Body Communicator program, consists of three pillars of healing our communication, with body, self and others. Today I feel compelled to share a bit about our Self talk, and how sometimes it needs a revamp.
First, I have to preface with an old lesson.
Do you know the difference between “dirty pain" and “clean pain"?
A somatics teacher many years ago made this distinction for me and it's something I've carried into my yoga practice and relational healing work as well. Discomfort is not inherently bad, right? In fact, increasing our capacity to be with discomfort is the first step towards GROWTH! Whether we're talking gains in the gym, flexibility goalz, or trauma healing, we have to be able to hold a certain amount of pain. However, there is clean and dirty pain.
Clean pain refers to a tolerable level of discomfort that EXPANDS our COMFORT ZONE so we can grow!
Dirty pain refers to a level of discomfort that causes injury, exacerbates harm, creates new trauma.
Your body knows the difference if you're listening. And this sensitivity and awareness applies beyond body work as well!
So here's today's thesis:
Talk to yourself in a way that elicits only “clean pain" or pure PLEASURE.
We can be our own worst enemy, or our biggest champion. And no matter what trauma you've been through that's affected your self perception, now that you know, where you go from here is a CHOICE.
You get to decide if you feel yourself get on a negative, self-loathing train of thought, to GET ON A DIFFERENT TRAIN.
You get to decide to keep saying fixed mindset, character statements about yourself, that actively block you on a neuro-linguistic level from healing or changing.
And you get to decide to systematically and diligently remove character statements from your vocabulary and shift into growth mindset talk with which you empower yourself by naming the things you want to change as isolated (and malleable!) BEHAVIORS.
Now, this is not to say that you cannot be critical of yourself. Our capacity to receive helpful criticism from others AND ourselves is crucial in admitting the ways we want to grow!
The difference is in how you say it. Are the ways you are critiquing your behavior causing CLEAN PAIN, that discomfort that pushes you towards actually doing something about it and growing into who you want to be?
Or are the ways you talk to yourself causing DIRTY PAIN, degrading you, messing with your day-to-day mental health, maybe even causing hopelessness, apathy and paralyzing you on your healing journey?
Here's another kicker.
This concept applies to the NARRATIVE we spin about our lives as well.
I'll share personally here, and it might feel trauma-dumpey so skip this if you like.
I started saying “This is one of the hardest years of my life,” back in like June. It became almost like a mantra. When someone would ask me how I'm doing, I would, at best, say, “I'm ok" with a tight jaw and a heavy sigh. And if they really asked, I'd repeat my line.
Now, it's true! So I felt like I was giving my system space to be honest about the level of day-to-day physical and emotional pain the last 12 months have carried. The short list is; a beloved one went into some kind of psychosis and was ripped from my life, I still do not know if they are going to be ok. I am in ongoing medical limbo after a botched cancer surgery, after which no doctor thus far has been able to tell me if I am cancer free, or what next steps are beyond monitoring the whatever that is growing in my neck. I had to distance even further from family members who continue to prove they don't want to be on my journey with me in a healthy way, medical crisis for another family member, the two family members who lived in SoCal moved far away. I lost every. single. love partner in the span of a few weeks, I faced big fears financially, nearly lost my dog to a rattlesnake, moved through a gut wrenching betrayal, sought solutions for Cali's chronic pain and a bajillion other minor struggles, not to mention local, national and global horrors.
UGH! Just writing that fat graph feels disgusting.
Last week in a Reiki session, this message came through.
“Stop saying it's the hardest year. There's no way anyone can possibly understand what you've gone through. It's not for them to understand, and every time you rehearse the line, you give yourself more cause to relive all this pain, and stay in dirty pain narrative. Start focusing on gratitude.”
Almost immediately gratitude began to ripple through my life. My friend invited us to paint gratitude trees.
I am awash in awe at how abundant my life is.
What if it's been the BEST year of my life?
Does it get to have been the hardest and also the BEST?!
Let me happy dump! (That sounds like taking a joyous poo, which is not what I mean but also sounds pleasant bahahaha.)
This year, I received business coaching that helped me fully commit to myself, entrepreneurship and the ways I show up in the world with my most passionate work. I let go of an artistic industry that was not serving me. (Acting friends, I still LOVE the craft, put me in your projects for fun anytime!). I worked with clients who reflected back to me the value of my work and the effort I have poured into my healing offerings. I met several wonderful people with whom I explored many layers of connection and types of love. I walked away from connections that were not aligned. I fostered many precious creatures. I travelled! Cali and I went to Mexico and festivals and Universal Studios! I attended music festivals solo and with beloved friends. I integrated with a dance community and a poly community that has brought me some of my favorite humans. I finally feel like I'm in friend circles with people who share my core values and forms of expression and joy as well! I held the first group program version of my coaching format, while moving through two surgeries…and it went great! I hosted three epic art share nights and many yummy gatherings in my home. I posted a fundraiser for support from my community and you all SHOWED UP FOR US. I welcomed in TWO amazing roommates and friends who have brought joy and peace into our home. I hosted many clothing optional embodiment events and 1:1 healing. I sang my way through my pain and visited an eco village for their song circling weekend! I started homeschooling Cali, a desire I once thought was impossible! My Horner's syndrome is healing.
Many parts of me are healing.
I shaved my head! (And, naturally, took celebratory nudes.)
Thank you Hope Rosemary for the photo shoot!
Wowsers life is good.
The main point in sharing my diatribes here is an encouragement. Let's practice telling ourselves the WHOLE story. It's not wrong for me to say “This has been one of the hardest years of my life.” But if that's all I say, and I repeat it because I feel like I've got something to prove, or I fear that celebrating my joy and pleasure will lose me sympathy points, then I'm dirty pain talking to myself.
If I can say instead, “It's been so challenging, I've really expanded my capacity to resource myself through hard things, and it's been so freaking fun and I've had some of the very best experiences of my life and surrounded myself with a community I am so deeply stoked about!”, that gives my brain (and body!) space to honor the struggle while being held in joy and pleasure. And that's really how this year has been.
What if you're still craving dirty pain talk?
You little kinkster! ;P It's ok if you're wanting a container to just go to the depths of dirty pain. Think about why you want that, and if there is a way to do it safely, and still come back up to close out with peace and positivity and GRATITUDE.
Sometimes we do need a space to just be in grief without looking for the silver lining or correcting ourselves into shifting focus immediately into gratitude. It's okay to be enraged and heartbroken and feel all of that. And I encourage you to close out that space with some after care. Find a restorative pose that nourishes your body. Eat something warm and healing. Maybe move through that pain talk with a support person, a therapist, or call 988 if you're getting stuck in the dark place!
The dirty pain talk is problematic when we get stuck in it, like I was rehearsing this year. That's when it can really cause bigger problems. Ya get me?
Much like in the kink world, we may create a container to play with pain in a safe and boundaried way, but you wouldn't just let your partner hit you all the time at home.
It's the same thing with you and yourself! You can follow the loop all the way down into the painful narrative if you need to so long as you are holding safety for yourself and a pathway back to a “resourced state" throughout.
(This is some of the type of work we do in Internal Family Systems sessions. We befriend the Parts that are speaking most negatively, yet we approach them from our calm, curious, courageous, centered Self. We honor the pain parts without BEING them. We trust the Self to keep us safe and heal those pain parts. )
Come talk to me if you have thoughts to share or want to discuss this more!
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For this month, I'm SO EFFUSIVELY THRILLED to share that January 17-19th 2026, eighteen other practitioners and myself are hosting the Whole Body Communicator Summit! This is a FREE virtual summit, all day for three jam packed days, thoughtfully currated to walk you through the three pillars of healing in the WBC format. The teaching will focus on healing through your Body, your Self, and with Others.
Check out the full lineup HERE.
There are so many incredible workshops and interviews. Everything from Kink For Self Actualization to releasing money trauma, to healing your amydala responses through scent. Please scope it out and save your favorites to your calendar!
Replays will be available on our Skool platform which is now only $20 a month for course access!
I'm truly amazed at how the lineup for this event has come together. I am so stoked to learn from EVERYONE on our weekend! And we'll be sharing links throughout the weekend to BIPOC organizations you can donate to ask well.
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More creative stuff
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