Embodied Silence As Artistic Healing

And oh, how my Soma wrestled with it!

Last night I hosted an intimate Fuck Cancer Art Share evening at my home…

I’m sitting in my backyard in the wee hours this morning, having restarted last night’s fire to finish off the logs.

Puff of smoke curl off the wood and the smell is nostalgic, reminiscent of dozens of camping trips.

The rooster, Mr. Frizzle, punctuates my thoughts with his ambitious crow.

Muse, through Mr Frizzle perhaps, woke me early despite the late night, and I must write.

I’ve already cuddled sleepy Cali, walked the neighborhood with Luna, and now I have precious moments taking in the morning’s calm and meandering through my thoughts.

It’s perfect. And….

I’m terrified. I’m also experiencing peace, joy, exhaustion, love, agitation…the whole symphony of human emotions. And while there’s a strong melody of GRACE running through it all, there’s an underlying bass note of fear that won’t let up.

I’m facing a revisionary cancer surgery in just nine days, and I’d be lying if I continued a facade that it’s all groovy over here.

Part of owning the Both/And (like I’ve discussed here before) is giving all the feelings space to be heard. So I’m letting the fear thoughts wash over me when they come.

And for this art night, some of them have sounded like this; “You know there’s a high risk of your voice being damaged in this surgery, right?” “A fair number of people experience permanent vocal paralysis post op.” “What if this evening is your LAST CHANCE TO SING FOR PEOPLE…EVER??” “So what’s it gonna be? What are you gonna sing for possibly the LAST TIME, huh? huh? Well? It better be EVERYTHING!”

Oh god, that is paralyzing right there, haha. Turns out I didn’t even need the surgery to freeze my voice right up. Not to mention I’ve been dealing with increasing vocal tension the last several months as the masses in my neck grow, so I barely trust the quality of my singing voice as it is.

I went to see my Reiki healer this week.

A message came through for both of us (that’s when you know it’s real).

“Silence will be my teacher.”

I sure as shit hope this isn’t a premonition of my voice being damaged in surgery.

I don’t think it is. Rather, I believe it is a loving nudge from Source to take the pressure of myself to speak (or sing!) on any timeline rooted in fear, urgency or scarcity. Because when I do that, my message is shrouded in all the wrong energy, and it never hits right. NEVER. (More on that next time.)

There was also a whole vision of a mama bear spooning me and learning from bear medicine how to hibernate and give no fucks. It was a beautiful Reiki healing.

I chose silence.

For my artistic contribution to the share last night, a vision came to me. I saw myself sharing sacred silence, and the deeply vulnerable intimacy of quiet eye contact with each person who came to my home.

Once this came through, I knew there was no song, no dance, no speech needed.

Sharing this felt WAY scarier, and also came with a peaceful knowing that it was just right.

One of my favorite things is to bring ya’ll in on my deepest lessons! You probably have picked up on that by now. ; P So, I chose to let my silence be witnessed!

Last night, I acted on the vision. It was even harder than I thought!

I committed to silence. I wrote out a consent notice, inviting people to close their eyes if they didn’t want to participate.

Then I went through the room, one by one, and ohhh boyyyyy was it activating.

It felt so beautiful to be received by each person, to take them in and be taken in through the windows of our soul, ahhhh, WOW, it is truly beyond words. And to do that one by one with an entire room of people I care for, UGH. My heart aches with the fullness.

AND, my body did some whacky things!

As I conducted this artistic experiment, I felt my heart start to race, my face flush, my smile harden a bit stiffly, my cheeks quiver. I began to rush, sharing just one breath with each person instead of the three I intended. Sneaky thoughts came in to undermine my choice “Isn’t this boring for people? You’d better move it along here, bud.”

I did my somatic best to resource myself, grounding into my feet, bringing more awareness to my breath, staying present in the experience of receiving everyone’s presence.

And then I closed, still without a word, letting people know they could come read here about why I chose this as my gift to them.

The vision didn’t lie.

Choosing silence gave me everything I needed from my art share. And I think it might have said more than any song could have. Sometimes we bare our souls with more traditional forms of art. Sometimes silence says more.

When something feels beyond words, it probably is.

And yet, here I am, trying to grasp last night onto the page. I truly can’t. I’ll leave you with this.

When was the last time you looked a loved one in the eyes and said nothing, simply breathed together, without a goal, simply took each other in?

There is magick that talking can’t teach, that you can only create by stepping into the unknown moment in the most vulnerable way.

I recommend eye gazing to most of my clients.

It is almost always a sure way to co-regulate our nervous systems, open into deep truth with each other, and strengthen our bond. And if you’ve come to me for communication healing, you know the majority of our work is deeper than word choice.

My invitation to you this week is to try this at home, kids! And I’d truly love to hear how it goes.

A little gift for you.

Here’s an extra dose of somatics! Try this very brief intro to guided sensory pendulation exercise I recorded for a podcast I guested on recently! I’ll let ya know when the full episode drops.

Creator Corner Collective

I’ve promoted everyone who has asked, so this week, this space is going to be for promoting the amazing SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT music festival! It’s a lovely, small-ish festival on Lake Perris in September. There’s a good mix of jam bands, EDM with some great bass artists, workshops, healing events, and the peaceful lake. I highly recommend you check it out and if you’d like, use my code SOMATIC for 10% off of your ticket!

Want to be highlighted in my letter? Reach out and tell me more about your work.

A More Perfect Union is premiering at Manhattan Film Fest!

On 6/18, the film I labored over for years with my co-everything, Ian Mark, is screening at Manhattan Film Fest! I am thrilled, although sad I can’t be there.

If you’re in NYC, please go see the film! I would LOVE to hear what you think.

It’s a unique story set in the pandemic, touching on polyamory, gender identity, NSA issues, and how we show up in love with our family, even when it’s complicated.

Grab tickets HERE!

More creative stuff

You can check out more healing offerings at www.weepingwillowwellness.com

Book a FREE strategy session here to meet with me and discuss joining my 12 week somatic healing program, Whole Body Communicator

Find my music anywhere you stream. Just search Fermata Blaize!

Check out my children’s book The Possum And The Bunny

Listen to my podcast episode of the I Heart My Life show

Join our Artist of Everything monthly Zoom hang by becoming a paid subscriber for $5. Your invitation is below the paywall ;)

And more to come!

As always, the next NAKED TRUTH Oracle Deck card pull is below this paywall. Please become a paid subscriber to support the writing and production of this deck and receive a card each article!