If you can't trust your Mom, who can you trust?

On learning to trust myself, first. P.S. Scroll to the end for naked yoga!

Do you feel the whispers everywhere, all at once?

The last few weeks have been loud and proud in so many ways. From kissing my dream girl while head-banging with some of my favorite people in the world at Lost Lands Festival, to teaching the biggest yoga class of my life, to rolling around on the side-walk weeping inconsolably to my new-old partner about my crippling fears, the feelz have been MAJOR.

And the line that’s been whispered throughout from Source, and screamed when I didn’t listen at first, is “YOU HAVE TO TRUST YOURSELF.”

Do you ever just keep getting the same lesson, over and over and over?

That’s me lately with the self trust.

Years ago, when I brought my baby home to meet my Mom for the first time, my Mom was fussing around, being a devoted, attentive first-time grandmother. She scooped her out of my arms and, as I reacted, said, “Come on, honey. If you can’t trust your Mom, who can you trust?”

Bless you, dear Mother. But an alarm bell went off in my head and my heart when those words were spoken. And I’ve been trying to work it out for nearly seven years.

You see, I didn’t trust my Mom. There was quite a lotta shieeet that went down in childhood, most of which that powerful matriarch has taken accountability for, to the miraculous repair of our relationship. (Thank you, Mom!) But at that time, it was like I got smacked in the face by the clear reality that my childhood attachment woundings had caused a chasm so deep in my being that not only did I not trust my Mom, but I didn’t trust a single other person I met, and I sure as shieeeet didn’t trust myself.

And when I didn’t trust myself, I behaved in ways that continued to prove to me that I couldn’t trust me to protect me.

I didn’t trust myself when I got involved in an abusive partnership. I didn’t trust myself when I became a sex worker and entered many dangerous spaces and repeated traumatizing experiences. I could list many more examples of how I continued to prove to myself that I couldn’t trust me.

Thank goddess for the road blocks in my way in the form of incredible humans, family, friends, coaches, therapists, and yes, the above-mentioned precious baby human to mirror back to me the ways I was self-destructing and the ways I COULD CHOOSE to change and to heal.

I like to think I’ve come a long way in my self-talk narrative. So much so that I offer a whole transformational language course within my 1:1 program The Whole Body Communicator.

But you know what’s always surprising about this healing work? It’s not linear. And just because I’ve mastered my self talk and self trust in some areas, in one season, doesn’t mean I don’t have a blind spot that a big ol’ spotlight will highlight just how messy it really is over there.

And right now, that’s my self-talk about self trust, as an entrepreneur, and as a lover.

I’m getting really vulnerable here, folks. I’m risking it all to tell you the truth, that in these two areas at the moment, I wrestle with SO MUCH FEAR.

Being an entrepreneur and going all-in with my healing business has highlighted every shadow self I have. And you know what they say about your shadow, it’s not going anywhere. So I’m learning to dance with them, over and over again.

I’m remembering how to ride the waves, the being pulled under by my own unhelpful narratives, the wrestlings with asking for help, the reaching a hand out and trusting myself enough to let someone else into my inner world. I’m practicing the choice to believe their positive reflections back of my own resilience, my own bravery, my ability to make good decisions.

And it’s the same in love. Being in the truth of my desires, wildly, unapologetically, queer, polyamorous, and still choosing to relate ethically, to do the work to cultivate true intimacy, move through the rupture and repair cycle, own what is mine and stay humble, shakes me to the core. Again, and again.

And yet I choose this life because the more awake I become, the more anything less bores me to tears. I sobbed on the phone to a new mentor recently, “It hurts so much to be this awake and not know what’s next!”

And that is life. That is how I know I am alive. I feel deeply. And I am me.

A client and I recently grappled with what does it mean to “be yourself”?

In the words of Ram Dass, “I am loving awareness”, plus a sprinkling of other boundaries and identities I give myself at any point in time.

And the identity I am owning in this moment, is trustworthy.

I trust me.

A Somatic Practice For Self Trust

Many of you know, my 1:1 somatic healing program breaks down communication into three facets, communication with our bodies, ourselves and others. We know that how we talk to ourselves affects our daily behavior.

For example, in my twenties, regularly and flippantly saying “I have trust issues”, cemented that belief, and gave my brain permission to hand over evidence of my untrustworthiness and everyone else’s pretty much every day!

Now, reminding myself of the opposite, I get daily snapchats to my mental inbox of moments I behaved as someone who should be trusted. Wild right?

And yet, I still have a full-body, somatic response to moments of panic, when my brain is off to the races and I can’t shift the narrative no matter what anyone says. And we know why, right? Because where we make lasting change is…in our BODIES. YES!

Here’s a fun somatic exercise to build trust with yourself.

Click the pic to link to article!

Emotional Freedom Technique

Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT tapping has become super popular in wellness communities! Therapists, coaches, motivational speakers (and even my Mom!) are using it to help cement ideas into the body. It’s based on ancient Chinese medicine, and the idea that energy flows through meridian points.

The practice is done by forming transformational statements and saying them to yourself as you tap with your fingertips along the energy centers in the image above.

For self trust, I crafted statements like the following: “Even though I am afraid, I trust my ability to make sound decisions as an entrepreneur.” “I feel emotionally naked when I share my most afraid self with my partner, and I trust my ability to bravely be seen, and held by the strength of my heart in my vulnerability.” “I trust myself to stay open to wisdom flowing through me when I am guiding clients. I let my ego sit aside as I trust my higher self to humbly serve the people who trust me.” “I am safe, I am whole, I am trustworthy.”

You can tailor statements that help your personal journey here. Give it a try and let me know what happens!

Because I trust myself, I get to live my dreams

A little over a year ago, I dove into the fray of my first major camping festival, Electric Forest. I went to the opening yoga class the first day of the festival and was blown away by the thoughtful sequence put together by the teacher. I thought to myself “Wow, I want to teach at festivals.” My next thought was “Dang, I bet you have to know someone, or be like a celebrity yoga teacher to get that gig.”

But the seed was planted. I had recently been hired at three more yoga studios, and began teaching somatic workshops at smaller events and mini-festivals. I was building my confidence, and my trust in myself as a space-holder and facilitator. I was believing in my own capacity to serve at that level.

And once I did that, it was just a matter of time. I started applying at every festival I could, and got to serve with my Somatic Integration Sessions and Reiki Informed Bodywork at LIB and Northern Nights.

In August I got the email that I had been approved to offer Restorative Rager Yoga at Lost Lands Festival’s Discovery Center!!!!

This was the biggest yoga class I have ever taught. Biggest in terms of attendance, biggest as highest profile, and biggest deal to me, personally, to teach at a massive festival stacked with artists and people I love! EEEEEEEK!!!

I was SO FRICKEN NERVOUS!!!! And ya know what? This beautiful self-trust practice cultivated for years carried me through leading a flow that I didn’t dissociate and black out while teaching. Instead, I stayed super present, and received SO MUCH LOVE and GRATITUDE from the people in attendance. Another yogi-in-training came up to ask for support in following her dream of also teaching at festivals.

What’s crazy is, my first thought was, “ OMG another yoga teacher, I wonder if she’s going to criticize me.” Bro, stop! Like seriously, my imposter syndrome can chill (see previous article on imposter syndrome lmfao).

Does self trust, and dreams coming true eradicate the shadows? NOPE! But it does allow me to experience the multiplicity, the vastness of my experience in these moments and own all. of. it.

I had a beautiful conversation with this yoga teacher in training and shared that this was my first time teaching at a festival. We both built each other up and shared the joy of mutual support in that moment.

Speaking of mutual support, check out this beautiful energy sharing circle we closed class with! GAaahhhh I’m still crying!!!

Mutual support leads me right into this week’s….

Creator Corner Collective

When one of us succeeds we all succeed. I believe this. No one grows anything in a vacuum. Because of this, each AoE article, I highlight another badass artist, creator, entrepreneur for you to check out.

Meet Ginger Fatale, of Soul On Fire Dance. I believe there is no greater way to build somatic self trust than to DANCE!!!! And Ginger facilitates so many opportunities to do just that.

Check out their OC Pride event, or sign up for classes now!

Ginger Fatale loves to dance, perform, and teach – but their true passion is helping their students find safety in their bodies, sensuality, and their own brand of sexy! In 2021, they founded Soul On Fire Dance – where dancers of all intersectionalities can feel seen, valued, and have ownership of their art. Ginger strives to make every person who comes to class feel successful – whether they’ve been dancing for years or this is their first class ever and high heels are a foreign object. As a professional burlesque performer and choreographer who is also a mental health professional (specifically a dance/movement therapist!) creating safe spaces and a sense of community is a cornerstone of their work. Also a NASM Certified Personal Trainer – they makes sure students are safe in their movements with in-depth knowledge of body mechanics, providing necessary options and workarounds for injuries – because all things start to creak and ache as we age. The last 25+ years of dance training, 15+ years of burlesque performance, and 10+ years in mental health have changed their life – and they have witnessed dance and movement to have changed the lives of countless others. Are you ready to change yours? 

As a womxn/minority/queer owned business - we are dedicated to holding a safe space for all bodies. No matter who you are, who you love, how you look, you are accepted here. 

Soul on Fire Dance is an adult (18+) dance studio in Santa Ana, CA.  We were looking for a supportive and safe environment for all bodies to learn, express, and create - so we built it.  Our focus is promoting equity, diversity and inclusivity through dance and social activism.    

All of our instructors receive training on Trauma-Informed Dance Instruction. They are all working professionals who love to teach a wide variety of styles and levels, but they are also individuals who love to share their passion of dance and movement with others. 

https://soulonfiredance.com

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Want to be highlighted in Artist of Everything? Reach out and tell me more about your work.

Naked Yoga Invitation!

photo by @pcatoday

I’m hosting a yoga class at Southern California Naturist Association’s event this Saturday, the 28th in Altadena, CA. This is a pot luck pool party with a nudist talent show. Does it get anymore fun than that?! I’ll be there teaching a by-donation yoga class at 1pm and will have my table out for Reiki Informed Bodywork all afternoon.

This invitation is for those who have attended my class in the past. If you have not and would still like to attend, please reach out.

If you’ve taken my class, you can get your ticket here, even if you’re not a member of SCNA!

Nothing builds trust in your soma like safely getting naked in it! ;)

https://socalnaturist.org/component/dpcalendar/event/192?calid=78

More creative stuff

You can check out more healing offerings at www.weepingwillowwellness.com

Book a FREE strategy session here to meet with me and discuss joining my 12 week somatic healing program, Whole Body Communicator

Find my music anywhere you stream. Just search Fermata Blaize!

Check out my children’s book The Possum And The Bunny

Join our Artist of Everything monthly Zoom hang by becoming a paid subscriber for $5. Your invitation is below the paywall ;)

And more to come!

Now, I know at least some of you have been waiting to hear more about this dream girl kiss…

A few days ago, I kissed a lioness. There are exactly two people in the world who will understand the significance of that statement.