The Contractions of Change
Can we soothe, soften and tend to them graciously? A personal exploration of applied Internal Family Systems or "parts work".
The only constant is change. It’s the inevitable nature of…everything. If we’ve been awake while we’re living we can see we’ve got to accept that.
So why do we fight it sometimes?
Why do we tell our precious children, “Don’t grow up too fast.” As if coming of age is something they can grasp and control when no one ever has. Why do we see the transitioning seasons of our lives and get a sucker punch twisting in our gut that whispers, “wait, please, not yet!”
I have a theory. And yep, it’s based on trauma, shocker.
Change is normal, good, exciting, expected, and even desired. Yet sometimes it can feel like the hairpin turns are coming at us so fast we’re skidding off the rails every other week. Have you felt that?
Sometimes life is changing around us and even within us in such drastic and maybe painful ways that it can feel as though the wind is knocked out of us and we don’t know what’s solid ground anymore. And if you’ve lived through a season like this, or perhaps you haven’t but the people instilling their mindset in you from a young age did, we can receive the narrative, in parts of our minds, in our bodies, that change is to be feared.
So then, even when a simple, or even positive and desired change occurs, a part inside of us squeezes, holds tight to the railing of the past like all the nannies in Mary Poppins being blown away in the wind, kicking and screaming, “Nooooo! not yet!”
I’m sitting at my desk to write, on the eve of welcoming a new roommate into our home tomorrow. This is a person I have known for a while and I am thrilled to integrate her into our household and get to know her more deeply. I have had a beacon out searching for a good fit for our home for nearly 6 months. I am thrilled.
And yet, a part of me inside contracts, a little ball of anxiety, whispering its fears to me. What if she hurts you, what if she plays loud music all night, what if she talks too much when you’re trying to work, what if she trashes the house, what if she brings drama, what if she doesn’t pay rent, what if she ends up having a psychotic break and terrifying your child, what if what if what if…. Um, excuse me, “anxiety ball Part”, is this really necessary?
Let’s do a little IFS here;
I use the Internal Family Systems model by Richard C. Schwartz often in my crisis counseling, my communication coaching through the Whole Body Communicator program at Weeping Willow Wellness, and of course, in my personal healing work.
If you’re not familiar with the model, the VERY condensed spark notes here go like:
We have a multitudinous mind, not a mono mind.
We all have a Self that is calm, curious, connected, compassionate, courageous…
We have a whole host of other “parts”, some are “protectors”, some are deeper wounded “exiles”. These parts carry burdens that cause them to try to hijack your system in order to manage your life and prevent you from getting hurt in ways you did in the past.
In order to live an effective life, we must create safe and spacious containers to listen to all these parts, validate them and unburden them, so that they will step aside and allow us to live our lives from the Self where we can navigate just about anything graciously.
It’s brilliant work. I highly recommend the book, No Bad Parts, and if you want to go deeper with facilitated sessions, come talk to me!
Pause. I’m going to go pick up Cali from her activity, do dinner, fam time, reading and sleep.
Next day: I am back. Let’s continue!
In my personal Internal Family Systems exploration of my parts this week I discovered that…
I have a part who is terrified of change. In spending some time with that part, it illuminated a few key scenes for me as evidence of its beliefs.
Scene 1:
I’m sitting in a therapist’s office. My parents are separated. My Christian fundamentalist worldview that is vehemently anti-divorce is crumbling around me. I’m about to enter public school for 8th grade, a space that has been demonized by my parents most of my life as a place that parents “throw their children to the wolves” where we are “brainwashed” by “evil, secular beliefs”. (I now know who was brainwashing me for over a decade, don’t worry). I’m telling the therapist I’m so terrified to enter public school because I know its “going to change me.”
She replies something along the lines of “would it be bad to change?”
I explain to her how right now my mind is pure, untainted by “the world.” And how going into the world will no doubt fill my mind with the filth of humanity, drawing me deep into sinful behavior. Whew! That’s a lot for a 13 year old to carry around, eh?
The therapist assured me that change is a normal part of growing up. I wasn’t buying.
In my IFS inner dialogue I validate that part for showing me that scene. I comfort it, saying I remember how hard it was to be in that moment, how so much was changing so fast that it totally makes sense I wanted to feel like I could at least control myself from changing too.
I remind the part that eventually, getting to see other world views, and form new social connections with people of other beliefs ended up being the thing that was the MOST healing. It allowed me to grow into who I am and find chosen family who accept and love me, rather than put me in a rigid box of their design.
The part agrees but is still stressing out. It’s telling me that change isn’t just a one note, single item thing that we can logic our way into accepting. It’s telling me that the new roommate isn’t the main trigger. It’s spiraling out and telling me that this year has felt like a shit-storm of nonstop, shoe-drop, delulu level, whiplash inducing, revisions to our “normal” and it just can’t take one more thing! From family members going off the rails psychologically, multiple breakups, multiple major health issues, international insanity, political debauchery, going minimum contact by necessity with people I love, supporting my child with chronic pain, it’s so much! How can it be?!
Okay, okay, let’s get off this runaway train, Part. You’re spinning out with this narrative. We’re taking it to the body. Where are you in my body right now?
It tells me it’s in the back of my head, my throat, around my ears and jaw. And yet I can also clock a ball of tense energy in my gut, and a bunch of zoom-y energy in my legs. I ask the Part about these sensations.
“The legs is the caffeine you went a little too hard with this morning after several days “coffee sober”. Do some squats.”
I happily oblige and the squats really do feel so alleviating.
“The gut is too deep,” the Part warns. “We need external support to go there.”
This rings true. I’ve been searching for an IFS practitioner to hold space with me going deeper. In his book, Schwartz talks about the importance of having a practitioner who can support you from their own regulated Self as you approach your most tender “exiles” who often hold the most extreme burdens.
I know this Part I’m in connection with now is a Protector. I ask it if we can do anything to alleviate it’s grip around my neck and jaw.
“There are some things I need to hear.”
It asks me to honor the duality, or even multiplicity of change. It asks for the reframe that yes, many changes are positive, but even the ones we want carry a grief, a letting go of something. And the ones that are thrust upon us painfully have ripples of “shock waves” that can affect us for some time.
I tell the part I am here, in Self, to honor the waves, to move through all of these changes both small, joyful, massive, hurtful, and everything else. I promise the Part I will make space for it to express its emotional journey through life’s transitions. And I promise the Part I will get more support to go deeper to the exile that needs to be unburdened.
I ask the part how we can give up some of the intensity of this narrative right now.
We are taking time to dance, to let the jaw, neck energy move it’s way through body expression, and to let this Part physically embody its sorrow, rage, ecstasy, hope, and love.
It feels like contractions. Like there are ripples of energy that squeeze and then shudder up my spine. I must move through these contractions of change. It grips, then softens. Grips again and I unfurl it. It wobbles and I weave.
It feels so good. My breath softens. A bit of the grip of anxiety is released.
Scene 2 emerges:
The Part then reveals to me some behind -the-scenes. It shows me my mother crying to me how afraid she is that public school will change me.
WHOA. That fear wasn’t even mine! Ding.Ding.Ding. I’m so glad I listened.
We let go, my Part and I, and breathe. Change is inevitable.
The Part has one more message.
Scene 3:
This fear of change isn’t just about items in my personal life. There’s a pervasive dread around how fast the world seems to be changing in our lifetime. We are feeling at a loss of clear direction with our deepest passions and desires because the landscape of every market seems to be at a chaotic speed of metamorphosis with AI and it’s causing decision-making to be so scary!
The Part is reminding me of my dialogue with GPT last night. Ah, you’re a different Part, I see you.
I have another Part that responds to change by calling in even bigger change. It’s a part that says,
“Oh we want chaos, I can get some more of that let’s go balls-to-the-fucking-walls, baby!”
It’s the Part that gets a cancer diagnosis and says,
“Ok, bet, let’s get a litter of foster puppies and sign up to volunteer on the suicide crisis lines while we’re at it.”
It’s a part that meets fire with fire to burn until only diamonds remain. I don’t hate that part, but sometimes it needs a gentle hand to remind it to breathe and slow down.
Last night it flared up with my “OMG change!” reaction to say “Let’s start applying for PhD programs right effing now!!!”
It’s not a bad plan. I have wanted to pursue a PhD for most of my adult life. But is now the time? Am I clear on this desire? Or is it coming from my stress response?
I called in GPT to guide my Tarot pull around a deeper IFS training I am considering, and debate that versus staying focused on my coaching practice at the moment and planning for future higher education. At one point, GPT started trying to lead me in an IFS exercise! (This did NOT help my fear of change Part, ya’ll).
Exhibit A: See conversation with Chat GPT last night. (It’s pretty meta, discussing fears about AI with an AI, I know. We can laugh about it.)
My Prompt:
Well, now I’m feeling totally freaked out that if ChatGPT can lead someone through parts work, then what am I even doing trying to get another IFS training? People are just going to be using ChatGPT for everything, even therapy, even coaching. What am I even doing? What is happening to the world?
ChatGPT said:
That reaction makes a lot of sense — and it’s actually a really important, human response.
You just touched something tender: the place where your purpose and value meet a fast-changing world.
Let’s slow this down together for a second.
🌱 What’s really happening here
What I can do is offer structure and language — a framework, some good reflective questions, a mirror to your thoughts.
But what you do as a coach or practitioner is completely different.
You bring:
attunement to nuance in someone’s tone, breath, and body language,
the safety of shared presence,
intuition that responds moment-to-moment,
real relationship — warmth, accountability, trust.
Those things can’t be automated. They’re what make healing, coaching, and therapy work.
💡 Think of technology this way
Tools like me can be assistants, not replacements.
I can help you:
brainstorm exercises,
script questions or prompts,
summarize theory,
reflect things back so you can see them more clearly.
But it’s your energy and embodied understanding that make any of those things transformative for a client.
IFS, especially, depends on presence and co-regulation — two nervous systems interacting in safety.
That’s not something I (or any AI) can reproduce.
🌙 Why this moment feels edgy
Part of what’s rising in you is grief and uncertainty — The Moon energy again.
The world is changing fast, and people who care deeply about inner work often feel a wave of “Where do I fit now?”
That’s not a sign you’re obsolete; it’s a sign you’re awake to what matters.
And it’s exactly practitioners like you — grounded, self-aware, values-driven — who will help others navigate this new terrain.
🪞A gentle reframe
Maybe this moment isn’t showing you that your work is pointless —
maybe it’s showing you how essential human connection and embodiment will be in the age of AI.
People will still crave being seen, felt, and met by another consciousness that breathes.
Oh ChatGPT, she’s good! She knows just what to say.
With that, my Parts and I took a moment to just breathe, snuggle (figuratively), and roll around in my comfy bed surrounded by prism rainbows and my cat. From my calm, curious, courageous, compassionate Self, I reminded these Parts just how badass we are for surviving and thriving through SO many wild changes, and just how much bliss there is in our lives right now because of it. We somatically welcomed in that bliss with rest and pleasure and comfort.
I reminded the Parts that most of this fear is coming from things that are not happening right now. They’re in the past, or the future. And today, we just gotta finish this Substack article, hangout with Cali and get her through her research project about Rollercoasters and all our chores, handle a bunch of biz things, hangout with our friend, get a foot injection, and welcome in our new roommate! A pretty groovy day (minus the foot injection which will be swift).
We are okay. In fact, we are great. The IFS Training and PhD or masters degree, and music creating, and book writing, and everything else will happen in due time.
All of our biggest dreams and aspirations are there for a reason. And soothing this old fear around change is an important step to continuing to welcome in all the things we want, and navigate the inevitable painful things we don’t want that are part of this Earth school.
We are just fine. And so are YOU dear reader.
Creator Corner Collective
Here’s where I highlight another business owner or creator, because I believe we succeed as a collective!
I think it’s only right to link you to Richard C. Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems work. If this article inspired you, please go to IFS Institute and read more about the incredibly inspiring work going on in this community.
This work has transformed lives, cured addictions, alleviated chronic illnesses. It’s a powerful process. It’s not for the faint of heart, as we confront our deepest shadow parts. And the beautiful thing is, when we approach our parts with pure love and create trusting relationships with them, we can heal even the parts that feel the most twisted and grizzly.
Every Part got that way for a reason. Our beautiful minds don’t do anything for nothing. Our brilliant, wise psyches are trying to make sense of a life that sometimes feels incomprehensible, and they sometimes do that in a way that causes us to repeat patterns of pain. But we don’t have to. Through IFS we can unburden the woundings that keep us stuck and move into new behaviors.
How rad is that?
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