Sometimes I want 'em hard, sometimes I want 'em soft.

A discussion on boundaries...what did you think I was gonna say?

Photo by Erin Larson on Unsplash

What do your boundaries feel like?

My boundaries feel wiggly, mushy, soft and soupy, and occasionally rock-hard. (Read to the end for more on soft and hard.)

I’ve learned a lot over the years of my somatic training to get in touch with what boundaries feel flexible and what boundaries I need to keep firm for the safety of my health and the health of my relationships.

“Boundaries” sometimes feels like a buzz-word these days.

While the increasing popularity of the concept is spurred by it’s necessity in healthy interpersonal relating, the reality is that, sometimes, we talk about something so much that it loses its’ clarity and value a bit.

So, let’s get clear. What boundaries am I talkin’ about? A good ol’ AI search engine scan for “when did boundaries become a thing?” references the dawn of nation-states with geographic borders, including the Great Wall of China in the 14th century, or the territory of Andorra establishing its mountainous range, chartered in 1278. And while these ancient physical boundaries may have been the historical birthplace of our discussion, today, I’m talking about interpersonal boundaries in relationships.

Boundary holding as a practice in interpersonal relating entered the modern psychology conversation around the ‘80s and grew in the ‘90s with the books like, Boundaries, Where You End And I Begin, published by Anne Katherine in 1991.

(Personally, I didn’t hear about this concept until my adulthood. It certainly didn’t feel so mainstream until the pandemic, when I think a lot of people were really reaching for those self-help books to figure out how the heck to coexist in a season of such intensity for many of us! )

Chat GPT spells out boundaries in a nice straight-forward way. I’ll paste below;

“Boundaries are personal limits that define how we interact with others and ourselves. They can be physical, emotional, mental, or digital.

• Physical Boundaries: These pertain to personal space and physical touch. They define what types of physical contact are acceptable and how much space one needs.

• Emotional Boundaries: These involve protecting one’s emotional well-being by defining what kind of emotional interactions are acceptable. This includes managing how others affect our feelings and how we express our emotions.

• Mental Boundaries: These relate to our thoughts, values, and opinions. They protect our right to have our own perspectives and to express them without undue influence or criticism from others.

• Digital Boundaries: In the age of technology, these boundaries are increasingly important. They involve managing how much we share online, how we respond to digital communications, and how we protect our privacy.”

  - written by AI

What do your boundaries look like?

Some boundaries are hard, meaning firm, rigid, inflexible, but difficult can also apply here!

An example of a hard boundary for me is honesty. I have an almost zero tolerance policy for dishonest relating in my life. I’ll make a tiny margin of error here for the smallest lies of omission for the greater good. But generally, if we don’t have honesty, in my book, we don’t have a relationship.

What is a hard boundary in your life? This could be any number of things. Maybe you choose not to connect with people who use a certain substance. You don’t connect deeply with people of certain belief systems. You don’t invite people into your home with whom you haven’t shared a meal outside the home first. You do invite people to borrow clothing from you when you love them. Perhaps there are certain things you intend to never, ever try. These are just a few random examples.

Some boundaries are soft. For example, when I started this newsletter, I intended to write two installments every month. For August, that just did not happen. I was completely maxed out with my commitments, and something had to give. For my overall health, I chose to let my “Substack boundary” be soft, and only deliver one thoughtful piece of content, rather than slapping together a second letter just to say I did it and hit my “deadline”.

Other soft boundaries could involve certain kinds of physical relating that you will open up to different people with different person-to-person parameters. Perhaps what kind of resources you share with people is a soft boundary, evolving differently with different people. Maybe you have some boundaries that begin as a no, but can turn into a yes as you receive information about what other people need.

This is where boundaries begin to feel murkiest, to me. Sometimes, you have a very clear read on what you, your nervous system, your bod is up for physically, emotionally, mentally. Then, in connection to others, you begin to acquiesce your original stance for their good.

Sometimes, this is a beautiful token of care. For example, sometimes my daughter really wants to rough-house and play an exuberant game. And I’m exhausted and not up for it. At. All. Yet, as her parent, I soften my original “no” to “ok, five minutes, let’s go!” because I love her, and she needs me to connect in that way, and I’ve checked the gas in the tank and realized, I could rev my engine for a few minutes and enjoy it.

Sometimes, however, this override of our original boundary is toxic and co-dependent.

For example, take in this real-life scenario from a client I consulted with this month.

Imagine you have a long-time friend who bails on plans last minute, standing you up fairly consistently. You enjoy their company and value the friendship, and want to continue connecting with them in a way that doesn’t make you feel devalued, so you respectfully point out the pattern, and ask that they communicate with you if they aren’t going to show up to your planned outings.

You are setting a boundary. You are asking that for the friendship to continue, this person make a shift in their communication to let you know ahead of time if they change plans you have made.

This friend, instead of receiving your boundary and accepting, rejects your initiation, saying it’s unreasonable, expressing anger at you even communicating of the boundary.

Now, you have two options.

You can ignore the need you have determined and expressed, of having your time and energy respected, and continue the friendship as is. (Doing this is the co-dependent option. You carrying-on the relationship with your own needs ignored, enabling the other so as to not rock the boat is co-dependent relating.)

The other option is to press the issue. This is where boundaries sometimes get scary for people, and we throw in the towel, because the truth is, if you are really serious about a boundary, you have to be serious about upholding it. And that can result in ruptures in relationships.

Thankfully, we have ways to repair these ruptures. And often, a little rupture is the first step to building something more sustainable and stronger in the long-run! (hint: Google “rupture and repair cycle”)

As we assess which of our boundaries are hard, and which are soft, it can be helpful to feel into where “you” end and “other” begins, just as the title of Anne Katherine’s book says. You could start this process by journaling about what feels absolute, and what feels flexible to you, as you prioritize your needs in relationships.

Dr. Daniel J Siegel, famous for the “hand-brain model”, wrote a fantastic book called IntraConnected, a word he coined to describe the fact that our existence of self is intricately interwoven with our communities. He writes that our very minds don’t exist outside the fabric of our societies, and the “self” is inherently created by connection to “other”.

I highly recommend checking out the book. And I recommend examining both separation and connection as you explore your creation and upholding of boundaries.

Somatic Practice:Try this Body-Tracing Meditation

You may have noticed, I use the phrase “feel into” a lot when describing the practice of how we notice.

That’s because when we form boundaries from strictly a top-down, thinking brain, approach, we often override information our bodies are giving us about what is ok and not ok for us.

As a somatic practitioner, I will never stop telling you to loop in embodied methods of discovery as you determine what your boundaries need to be.

Try out the body-tracing meditation to tune into your physical cues around any boundary challenges in your life. You may be surprised just how clear a yes or no you can receive when you listen to your body.

And if you want more support around this, reach out to book a free strategy session with me and learn more about Somatic healing, and why it works.

Try this 8 minute Body Tracing meditation and let me know how it goes!

Photo by processingly on Unsplash

Creator Corner Collective

When one of us succeeds we all succeed. I believe this. No one grows anything in a vacuum. Because of this, each installment of Artist of Everything, I highlight another healer, creative, or small business owner in our community.

This week, I’m thrilled to introduce you to Tylynn Mackenzie of Temple Radiance. I became Reiki certified about four years ago, but it was my sessions with Tylynn that really convinced me of the power of Reiki healing. In my experience, a healing session with Tylynn is a powerful moment in time during which you can receive a safe space, soothing touch, kindness, and impactful spiritual communication and guidance if you choose.

Experience Reiki healing from another practitioner in such a powerful way helped me discover and create the boundaries I want in my own Reiki healing practice and bodywork offerings. It helped me to value the energy healing I offer. Often, the way we discover our boundaries is experiential, learning from sharing space with others.

I feel deeply grateful I met a practitioner like Tylynn, who brings so much love and presence to the work she does, and the people she serves.

Tylynn Mackenzie is on a mission to experience radiance in her body, mind, and soul while helping her fellow humans shine at their fullest capacity as well through a variety of modalities. She is a multifaceted healer- a massage therapist, a reiki master, an astrologer, a tarot reader, a yomassage teacher, an akashic records reader, a past life regressionist and a modern day vision singer practicing shamanic techniques. In 2015, massage therapy school was her catalyst into the world of healing. She graduated in May of 2016 and has been on her healing journey ever since! She is trained in swedish massage, deep tissue, trigger point release, pre-natal, gua sha, cupping, reflexology and energy healing. She utilizes her intuitive gifts of clairsentiance and clairvoyance with all of the modalities she practices.The more awareness humanity has of our divinity, of our soul purpose, of our karmic imprints, and of our innate gifts, the more our world heals. 

Learn more about Tylynn here- templeradiance.com.

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Want to be highlighted in my letter? Reach out and tell me more about your work.

Sometimes, you get to hold boundaries for others

Last month, I got to go to NYC to film a music video for my new single under the FermataBlaize project, (stay tuned for release date!). I was working with a stringent budget for this project, and hired two dancers to participate in the music video.

I told them they would only be needed for two hours (at the low budget rate I was offering, this felt fair). As we explored movement together, their enthusiasm grew and both dancers were willing to stay on, capturing more material.

Although I was grateful, I felt that as the authority on this project, it was my responsibility to make sure I did not allow them to over-extend their generosity. Sometimes, if we are in a position of power, we can choose to uphold boundaries for the sake of others who might unknowingly be devaluing themselves, their time or energy.

As it stands, we got some really great shots for the video! I can’t wait to show you all how it turns out. For now, back to editing ;).

Thank you to @lillianwyld and @nomaddelight for dancing with me!

More creative stuff

You can check out more healing offerings at www.weepingwillowwellness.com

Book a FREE strategy session here to meet with me and discuss joining my 12 week somatic healing program, Whole Body Communicator

Find my music anywhere you stream. Just search Fermata Blaize!

Check out my children’s book The Possum And The Bunny

Join our Artist of Everything monthly Zoom hang by becoming a paid subscriber for $5. Your invitation is below the paywall ;)

And more to come!

Paywall oh, Paywall

I think, once again, I don’t have anything that outrageous to share below the paywall. Our monthly zoom hang offers transformative group somatic coaching, and also acts as a Q&A so bring me anything! For $5/month, you support all the writing I offer, and receive access to that meeting.

And for today, below the wall, I play a little game of Somatic Truth or Dare ;)

Alright, in writing it, it mighta got a little more outrageous than I thought. Have fun!